in another life

As I sit in my coffee shop, trying to find the motivation to write up paragraph summaries of pointless sociological readings for my gender course, in walked a pack of band directors. I recognize a couple of them from my "previous life." When I entered my undergraduate career, I technically was undeclared as a major. By spring semester, I was a music education major. I was going to be a band director. That lasted about two years, but it was a natural progression. Band was all I knew; it was the consuming force in my life for all of middle and high school. All-district/region/area tryouts, marching competitions, solo and ensembles, concert contest, all-state solo & ensemble, band camp (at my current institution, ironically), and then summer marching band camp. These events came around like clockwork. I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

But after a torturous freshman and especially sophomore year with a couple of less than ideal situations on the musical front, I was less certain. Music history became the shining beacon that put me on this current path starting junior year. Still this morning with these directors, I think of what could have been. I could be one of them-- dropping off the kids for all-region rehearsals (which is all that I can imagine them doing here, it's that time of year) and making a beeline for the coffee.

In the end, I gave up on the band director life because I felt like it was too encompassing; to be a director, you loose weekends, Friday nights (football season), Monday nights (extra full rehearsals), most afternoons/early evenings to teach private lessons, and countless other times (booster meetings, uniform fittings, conferences, etc etc). I didn't love it enough. I love the idea of teaching, but the public persona required of a high school director is just not me. The larger than life inspirational force that is required was too daunting for me. It's also paradoxical for a perpetual graduate student to say that that parallel life path was too "encompassing" because my life is consumed with research. always. But there is more flexibility and less stress, in the end, at least for me.

In another life, I would be done with school. Never going past my bachelor's degree. Right about now, after 5 years of experience, I'd probably have moved up from junior high school director to a second or third assistant in a larger high school. I definitely wouldn't have a dog, nor a life outside of the band hall. I'd spend my spare time teaching the flute private lessons. I'd have had a killer flute section, with plenty of smaller ensembles competing at solo & ensemble. I'd probably try to have a woodwind quintet too-- I always loved playing that repertoire.

But instead I sit at my table, at my coffee shop. I take in this pristine winter morning, smelling the tea that has helped to focus me for the last 4 years. I let the warmth of the cup calm me down and focus me, and I dig into piano girls and feminist artists' epistemologies. And after about 5 hours here, I will return home to a puppy dog. We'll take a nap. And then I'll eat dinner with a friend at a little Korean restaurant. There'll be no concerts tonight, no long drives back home with exhausted band kids.

As much as I miss Grainger and Ticheli sometimes, I think I made a wise choice.



Quick note on the label of this post... I realized I needed a label to encompass my ramblings that weren't dissertation related, but that I write to get me started on research for the day. As per a quote mentioned here, the label I'm using is "diss squirming."